Codependency and Parenting

Every new parent faces challenges when it comes to their newborns/toddlers’ development. It creates a surge of panic when they don’t meet certain milestones at a particular time or face any form of development hindrances. The only advantage of these issues is the ability for them to be observed, recognized, and rectified immediately.

While that is taken care of, what about a child’s mental development? The emotional and intellectual psyche of children are areas that are usually overlooked, leaving parents with physically healthy and developed kids who face attachment/ detachment issues.

The toddler time is the perfect age group to mold and shape young minds. They are fresh with ideas, have a curious thirst for knowledge, and are easy to train and develop their mental being. At the same time, parents, you need to keep in mind that every child is different, and each shows different signs at different times. While it is essential to be observant of your child’s behavior, the key here is to be alert over your own behavior and actions.

But first, let’s dive into the concept of codependency and the signs to keep an eye out for.

What is Codependency?

While spending quality time with your child is important, every parent is susceptible to falling into codependency habits. It’s a delicate psychological habit that can result in forming unhealthy relations with your child. This can also be a cause to hinder your toddler’s ability to fully thrive as a healthy, functional adult.

Keeping aside confusing definitions- codependency involves complex patterns of providing excessive caretaking, having the tendency to alter your own decisions and choices, to make sure others are happy. In the case of parenting, it could involve you, giving into every demand of your child or your child observing codependent behavior from people around them. Could be your spouse, your friends, family members, or even the media consumed through movies, shows, etc.

Signs of codependency

Every parent is vulnerable to succumbing to codependency. As a branch of mental health, it’s quite easy to ignore, causing it to escalate. The first step to rectifying this is to accept that something is wrong and start a strict observation of signs.

1- Feeling overwhelmed towards your child- Your child has a bad day- it unsettles you; your child does not agree- you alter your decision; your child throws a fuss- you change the plan. And the issues keep growing while you adhere to solving each and every one of them.

While these are challenges that every parent faces (and it’s reasonable to give in once in a while), the sign you need to look out for is the frequency. How often does your toddler fuss, how soon does the child get angry for refusing, when was the last time you allowed a leeway? Is your child doing the same thing- giving into his/ her friend’s demands, Are they changing their preferences to be accepted? Ask yourself these questions to keep you on track while training your child, too, and you’ll begin to notice a pattern of excessive caretaking that’s changing your child’s behavior.

2- Everything else comes secondary- You have a little one now, it’s a lot to take in: the noise, the sleep schedules, the work hours, the child’s routine, etc. You don’t want your child to feel neglected; instead, you put a hold on everything and everyone else around you. This can take a toll on your professional life, your time away from your significant other, or your family members, meetings with friends are canceled frequently. Everything is on hold to put the child first before anybody.

3- You’re the victim- Codependent parents often use the ‘guilt trip’ scheme to get their way done. This could be in the form of a sad story from their childhood, manipulating the child into doing what the parent wants. Playing the victim is most often unconscious act where the parent does not realise they are pursuing the victim’s behavior. It commonly stems from past failures or expectations that they wanted to achieve when they were a child. It’s a logic of seeking compensation for all the wrongdoings in your childhood. Being aspirational and hoping for your child to follow your footsteps is normal. But in a codependent parent, these emotions are much more intense.

4- Overly involved– You see your child in distress, instead of nudging them to solve their own problems- which is essential to help them mentally develop- you find yourself involved in their issues at the earliest stages. As a codependent parent, you will most probably find yourself engaged in every aspect of your child’s life. The need to be in control, and have the situation work out in your child’s or your favor are also signs that you are maybe drifting into a codependent parent relation.

How can you rectify Codependency?

Being in an invested codependent relationship with your child is going to require a significant amount of conscious effort and support to recover from. Here are some tips you can follow to give you a head start towards self-recovery.

1- Learn to control yourself- Being codependent means controlling everything else around you while to ensure your child is happy, which then makes you feel accomplished. Instead, you’ll need to put in some conscious effort into controlling yourself from resorting towards compulsive and excessive habits. Distract yourself by joining some classes or, better yet, get involved in some strenuous workouts to tire you for a while. In a way, these will also teach you to be more self-controlled.

2- Journal- The best way to keep track of your behavior and your child’s behavior is to write everything down. You can reflect back on the situations you have acted in a codependent manner, the frequency, the thought process behind each event, etc. Based on your entries, you can discuss this with someone you trust or a therapist and get some feedback on specific ways to resolve your codependent behavior.

3- Talk it out– Every parent has their set of insecurities. It’s all part of that parenting package. Spill them all out to someone you can confide in. To help better empathize with you, talk to someone you know who has gone through or is going through the same situation. Having someone who will not be able to help you will just increase the pressure on your mental health. In some cases, it might also be beneficial for you to see professional guidance.

4- Positive talk- To break away from controlling and excessive behavior, engage in positive discussion. Get away from phrases and sayings that make you uncomfortable and switch them into sayings that make you feel empowered and at ease. Keep in mind that, it’s not just the words you spew out, it the way you say it, the tone of your voice too.

5- Take a break- Every now and then, step away from your kids, give them, and yourself a bit of space. Let them solve their own issues and intervene only when necessary. Talk about this with someone- a spouse, who is always by your side to guide you when things get out of hand.

6- Observe your kids- Having your child spend maximum time with you, they may be conditioned to either behave in a codependent manner with their friends or may learn to rebel to get away from the parent. Depending on your little one’s behavior, and age, it may be essential to have a talk, or even set some rules, to guide them through this challenging phase. Their minds are still young, they can grasp things quickly and can easily make lifestyle changes if administered accordingly.

As a codependent parent, you will need to learn to work on your own emotional strength. Sign up for professional help or local community services where you can meet those in similar situations.

An issue such as this can cause immense damage if not looked at, at the right time. More importantly, it could take a considerable toll on your mental health, which could jeopardize your future relations with your child and everybody else. At the same time, don’t panic over this- you could just be experiencing some initial parenting blues. The best way to assess the gravity of the situation is by observing the changes, taking into account advice and reactions, and then ensuring you make the right decision for yourself.

Toddles for now and take care.